"Forbidden Figure Skating" pokes fun at Paul Wylie

"Forbidden Figure Skating" pokes fun at Paul Wylie

Several of us skate fans have observed that Paul Wylie seems to be stuck in a rut of doing some very predictable programs, recycling old choreography to music from whatever movie has been popular recently. Here are some very tongue-in-cheek suggestions of new material for Paul.

(Sorry, Paul. We love you, but we are getting kind of tired of seeing you do the same old thing even in your "new" programs.)

This is the Program

Trudi Marrapodi suggests that Paul's "This is the Moment" program would be more palatable with some new lyrics for the song:

"This is the program,
This is the one,
This is the program I will be skating
till Kingdom Come,
Every maneuver
I made uver and uver
Is coming into play
Here and now today!
"This is the program,
About my big night,
When I took the ice at the Olympics
And stood upright,
It was a moment,
A momentous moment,
I gained a million friends,
So I'll milk it to the end!
"This is the program,
It's so much fun,
In which all of my tried-and-true moves
Become one,
This is the number,
Just see it shine,
When I do the same moves
Time after time!
"This is the program,
About my final test,
Bettered Petrenko,
But they still called me
Second best,
I didn't pop,
I didn't fall,
It was the only time that happened
Of them all!
"This is the program,
Damn all the clods
Who didn't give me a gold medal
Like the Skate Gods,
When I skate this,
You will recall,
Program for program,
This was the program,
The most repeated program of them all!"

Top 10 movie-theme programs Paul Wylie *could* skate, but won't:

I hear Paul Wylie unveiled his "Apollo 13" program at the recent pro-am event. This has inspired me to come up with my own humble contribution to the "Forbidden Figure Skating" tour....

10) "Being There"
Paul portrays the Peter Sellers character, wearing an old-fashioned looking suit with "I like to watch" emblazoned on his back. Program starts with spiral into triple flip and climaxes with dramatic split/split/split flip jump combination. Paul tries hard not to laugh during this program.
9) "Captain Blood"
Paul takes Errol Flynn's role. Skating to the Korngold score, he wears a steel back-and-breast with "Thief and pirate" elegantly engraved on the back. Program starts with spiral into triple flip and climaxes with dramatic sitspin combination where he thrashes his arms up and down, reminding us of that dramatic sword fight with Basil Rathbone.
8) "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre"
Paul portrays Gold Hat and skates to the music by Max Steiner. He dresses in Mexican peasant costume with "We don't need no steenkin' badges" embroidered on the back. Program starts with spiral into triple flip and climaxes with dramatic running while looking over his shoulder.
7) "The Man Who Would be King"
Paul takes the Sean Connery role. He wears a white tunic with a mysterious Masonic emblem embroidered in gold on the back, and skates to the music by Maurice Jarre. Program starts with spiral into triple flip and climaxes with dramatic mohawk step sequence and cat leap, symbolic of Connery's fate at the end of the movie.
6) "A Room with a View"
Paul portrays George Emerson, with a large question mark on the back of his shirt. He skates to "Chi il bel sogno di Doretta". Program starts with spiral into triple flip and climaxes with dramatic fast scratch spin. Fu la passione! Folle amore! Folle ebbrezza!
5) "Scott of the Antarctic"
Paul portrays the ill-fated Captain Scott. He skates to the score by Ralph Vaughan Williams in a burberry coat with "Good God! This is an awful place" written on the back. Program starts with spiral into triple flip and climaxes with a dramatic slide on one knee. Scott was an incompetent bungler while he lived, but never mind that; let's milk that dead hero image for all it's worth!
4) "Mutiny on the Bounty"
Paul portrays Fletcher Christian, wearing white duck trousers and no shirt, and has "Mutinous dog" tattooed on his back. Program starts with spiral into triple flip and climaxes with dramatic ina bauer into camel spin.
3) "War and Peace"
Paul skates as Pierre. He wears a military-style costume with the word "Borodino" in Cyrillic on the back. Program starts with a spiral into triple flip and climaxes with dramatic alternating split jumps and spread eagles, hinting at Pierre's ambivalence about getting caught up in the war against Napoleon.
2) "Lawrence of Arabia"
Paul skates to the music by Maurice Jarre, portraying Lawrence in flowing robes with "Aqaba" written in Arabic script on the back. Program starts with a spiral into triple flip and climaxes with dramatic inside spread eagle, representing Lawrence's humiliation when captured by the Turkish Bey.
1) "Gone With the Wind"
Paul grows mustache to portray Rhett Butler. He wears a ruffled shirt and a frock coat with "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" embroidered on the back. Program starts with spiral into triple flip and climaxes with dramatic split jump/split jump/death drop sequence. We discover that Paul really *doesn't* give a damn any more, as he quits skating and goes to law school.

Note: The material on this page was written in the fall of 1995. It was more topical then than it is now, but I've left this material on the web because I still think it's funny. Trudi and I would like to emphasize that we really do admire and respect Paul, and realize he'd never do anything this tacky or tasteless in "real life"; we wrote this stuff in a spirit of fun, not with any intent of insulting Paul. And, as fans, we have also been pleased with the new artistic direction Paul has taken with his skating since we originally wrote this.