The Skating Channel

Several of us true skateaholics have been talking about the idea of a 24-hour Skating Channel on cable TV....

I too do not understand why there is no Skating Channel. Around 1992 or so, when Arnold Palmer was first bandying about the idea of a Golf Channel, I thought "There's golf on TV every weekend! Why not a Skating Channel?" Think of it...

• Early-morning exercise shows. Trixi Schuba rousing everyone out of bed at 5 a.m. for lessons with titles like "Birth of a Back Paragraph Loop."

• A morning show, hosted by Tracy Wilson. Sort of an expanded two-hour live version of "Skate."

• Scandalous talk shows. Gorsha Sur shamefacedly confesses the brief time he spent as a nanny to Zoe Baird's children before he got his green card. Skating parents tell about the traumatic moment when their sons told them "Mon, Dad--this is probably going to shock you, but...I'm NOT gay!"

• Skating Music Televison. Hours of performances, each taken from a different source, identified as to skater, song, place performed, origin of video clip, and date.

• Soap operas. For example, "One Wife to Give," starring Maia Usova, Alexsandr Zhulin and Oksana Gristchuk.

• "Divorce Court," starring Valova & Vasiliev, Bechke & Petrov, and who knows who else by the time the series is up. Maybe we could turn it into "North American Pairs Split-up Court," in which case the series could run for years.

• Cooking shows. In Brian Boitano's kitchen, we learn his recipe for pesto sauce.

• "Bad Skating Movie Theater 3000." A man and two robots are held captive in outer space and forced to watch cheesy skating movies like "Ice Castles," "The Cutting Edge," etc. Luckily for us, they make funny comments during the movie and shred it to ribbons after it's over. ("So, Mike, just tell me: like, I understand how Lexie was able to skate her competitive programs without anyone realizing she was blind, but I have one question: HOW DID SHE MAKE IT THROUGH PRACTICES WITHOUT TURNING INTO THE HUMAN SHREDDER ON ICE??" "Well, Crow, maybe she had one of those prosthetic devices like Geordi LaForge and they just didn't show that part.")

• Zany sitcoms. "Little Orphan Oksana" tells the tale of a fun- loving, wild-n-crazy skating teenager who lives with her coach, her coach's daughter and her husband, also skaters. Boy, those scrapes she gets into put everyone on a one-way collision course with Wackiness!

• Cop shows. A new version of "Sirens" features Christopher Bowman ending up in the wrong part of Pittsburgh.

• Sci-fi drama. "Quantum Leap" stars Kurt Browning traveling through time, executing quad toe loops in an effort to right what once went wrong in the judging of past skating competitions. It could get embarrassing for him if he leaps back into '91 Trophee Lalique.

• True-crime shows. "America's Most Wanted," for example, features graphic footage of ice dancers from '89 nationals employing illegal holds and excessive partner separation. You are encouraged to turn in any info on these criminals, who have been on the lam for years, to the ISU Dance Technical Committee's hotline now!

• Law-and-order shows. Perfect for Paul Wylie.

• Sleazy "investigative news" shows. Tonya fans, here's your paradise.

• "Studs," starring Elvis Stojko and Philippe Candeloro. Philippe takes off his shirt at the slightest audience provocation.

• Night-owl talk shows. "Late Night with Toller Cranston" features "Top 10 Lists" such as "Top 10 Reasons I Thematically Failed at 1974 Worlds," "Top 10 Reasons Why No Male Skaters of Today Are Following the Path I Blazed," and "Top 10 Reasons Bob Moir of the CBC Should Be Taken Out and Summarily Shot." No skaters like to be guests on this program because they know that all they will hear is how much better they would look if they just dressed in black and tried skating to Prokofiev's "Cinderella."

• Holiday specials. Plenty of those to go around. Also, at midnight on Christmas Eve, the Skating Channel would go to 'round- the-clock videos of skaters performing to Christmas music. (How many versions of "Ave Maria" can *you* stand??)

• TV ads with famous skaters loudly declaring "I want my Skating Channel!" Each in their own native language!

Trudi
marrapod@binghamton.edu

Maybe some game shows too

• Name that Tune- what music are they skating to in that clip?

• Jeopardy - more pointless trivia than anyone could hope to know.

• The Price is Right - if you guess how much that costume costs without going over, you win a BRAND NEW CAR!!!!

• Wheel of Fortune - guess skating phrases, like "Right Back Outside Edge" and "Triple Flutz". Any nominees for who should get Vanna's part?

• Hollywood Squares with skaters. Make sure Oksana G. and Maia U. are at opposite ends of the square. Dick Button as your cordial host.

• Family Feud with skaters by country. Tonight, its the Russians and the Canadians! Top 100 people surveyed....what's the most annoying moment in Olympic Skating history?

Don't forget the talent shows,a la Screen Test and Gong Show...audience members get to take the ice and be marked by guest judges...

How about a version of "The Dating Game" for pair skaters to choose new partners? It might go something like this....

Lance: Bachelorette #1, if you were having trouble with your double axel in practice, how would that affect you in competition?

#1: I *never* have problems with my double axel. Just don't ask me to do a triple salchow.

Lance: Hmmm. How about you, #2?

#2: I never have problems with it, either. It was that lousy ex-partner of mine who could never land his.

Lance: #3?

#3: It wouldn't matter. I'd just arrange for the competition to be neutralized instead.

Well at least the soap opera writers on the skating channel would have an easy job -- some of the dance teams and pairs have had more partners than Erica on "All My Children" has had husbands!!!!

"But, what if she comes out of her coma and remembers how her blade got unscrewed -- we'll never get out of regionals if you have to go to jail!"

What if they find out that Gwendolyn let her identical twin sister take her senior freeskating test in her place?

What if rivals Marissa and Tiffany arrive at the Nationals with identical skating dresses? Which one will have to find another dress to wear?

That depends on whether Chloe, the dress designer, can be able to conceal her affair with Anton, Marissa's choreographer, from his wife, Tiffany's coach, long enough to find the spare she made with the sequins she stole from Gwendolyn's mother...

But if Chloe is caught with the stolen sequins, her career as an elite skate-dress designer will be ruined. She must decide which is more important: her career or her affair with Anton. And Anton must decide which is more important to him: his affair with the rich, talented Chloe or his marriage to Clarise, Tiffany's coach, the woman who fell in love with his strong, handsome face and saved him when he was an unemployed, starving choreographer. But nothing could be as strong or as gut-wrentching as the rivalry that exists between Marissa and Tiffany. With fire buring in each of them, each refuse to give in and change dresses. Little do they know that Gloria, a sweet, innocent, naive unknown, has a program with the grace and power to rise above anything that Marissa and Tiffany could every do. Once Gloria skated, no one would even notice Marissa and Tiffany . . .

And this would give Tiffany the opportunity she has wanted to murder Gerard, the skate-sharpener, who has been blackmailing her over the pictures he took of her in bed with Jedidiah, the judge whose suspiciously generous marks sent her to Nationals in the first place despite Marissa having dropped bubblegum in her skates so she two-footed half her jumps...

With Gerard out of the way, Tiffany thought she could continue her affair in secret with Jedidiah. Little did she know, however, that Mona, a judge with the hots for Jedidiah, planned to make a fool of Tiffany and hopefully ruin her career. With the help of Marissa, Mona snips some threads inside Tiffany's skating costumes. Each costume will unravel whenever Tiffany performs her layback spin . . .

To be continued???

This is great, folks, but it needs a title.

• As the Blade Spins?
• All My 3 Turns?
• One Axel to Land?
• General Iceland?

Here are some more ideas for the Skating Channel:

• Live with Underhill & Martini"--The no sleaze daytime talk show, with skating world's answer to Regis & Kathie Lee.

• "Crossfire" with Dick Button and Sandra Bezic.

• "Style with Peggy Fleming"--Peggy shows us the recent trend in ladies figure skating dresses and costumes, with Toller Cranston as special correspondent.

• "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues on Ice", starring Elvis Stojko. After losing the Gold Medal in Lillehammer, Elvis embarks on a journey and searches for justice in figure skating judging, helping others who have also been "robbed" in various competitions.

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