The Skating Channel
Several of us true skateaholics have been talking about the idea of a
24-hour Skating Channel on cable TV....
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Trudi Marrapodi)
I too do not understand why there is no Skating Channel. Around
1992 or so, when Arnold Palmer was first bandying about the idea of
a Golf Channel, I thought "There's golf on TV every weekend! Why
not a Skating Channel?" Think of it...
I think this would be great. Somebody should call IMG now and tell
them we want more than just a skating *show*--we want our Skating
- Early-morning exercise shows. Trixi Schuba rousing everyone
out of bed at 5 a.m. for lessons with titles like "Birth of a Back
- A morning show, hosted by Tracy Wilson. Sort of an expanded
two-hour live version of "Skate."
- Scandalous talk shows. Gorsha Sur shamefacedly confesses the
brief time he spent as a nanny to Zoe Baird's children before he
got his green card. Skating parents tell about the traumatic moment
when their sons told them "Mon, Dad--this is probably going to
shock you, but...I'm NOT gay!"
- Skating Music Televison. Hours of performances, each taken
from a different source, identified as to skater, song, place
performed, origin of video clip, and date.
- Soap operas. For example, "One Wife to Give," starring Maia
Usova, Alexsandr Zhulin and Oksana Gristchuk.
- "Divorce Court," starring Valova & Vasiliev, Bechke & Petrov,
and who knows who else by the time the series is up. Maybe we could
turn it into "North American Pairs Split-up Court," in which case
the series could run for years.
- Cooking shows. In Brian Boitano's kitchen, we learn his recipe
for pesto sauce.
- "Bad Skating Movie Theater 3000." A man and two robots are
held captive in outer space and forced to watch cheesy skating
movies like "Ice Castles," "The Cutting Edge," etc. Luckily for us,
they make funny comments during the movie and shred it to ribbons
after it's over. ("So, Mike, just tell me: like, I understand how
Lexie was able to skate her competitive programs without anyone
realizing she was blind, but I have one question: HOW DID SHE MAKE
IT THROUGH PRACTICES WITHOUT TURNING INTO THE HUMAN SHREDDER ON
ICE??" "Well, Crow, maybe she had one of those prosthetic devices
like Geordi LaForge and they just didn't show that part.")
- Zany sitcoms. "Little Orphan Oksana" tells the tale of a fun-
loving, wild-n-crazy skating teenager who lives with her coach, her
coach's daughter and her husband, also skaters. Boy, those scrapes
she gets into put everyone on a one-way collision course with
- Cop shows. A new version of "Sirens" features Christopher
Bowman ending up in the wrong part of Pittsburgh.
- Sci-fi drama. "Quantum Leap" stars Kurt Browning traveling
through time, executing quad toe loops in an effort to right what
once went wrong in the judging of past skating competitions. It
could get embarrassing for him if he leaps back into '91 Trophee
- True-crime shows. "America's Most Wanted," for example,
features graphic footage of ice dancers from '89 nationals
employing illegal holds and excessive partner separation. You are
encouraged to turn in any info on these criminals, who have been on
the lam for years, to the ISU Dance Technical Committee's hotline
- Law-and-order shows. Perfect for Paul Wylie.
- Sleazy "investigative news" shows. Tonya fans, here's your
- "Studs," starring Elvis Stojko and Philippe Candeloro.
Philippe takes off his shirt at the slightest audience provocation.
- Night-owl talk shows. "Late Night with Toller Cranston"
features "Top 10 Lists" such as "Top 10 Reasons I Thematically
Failed at 1974 Worlds," "Top 10 Reasons Why No Male Skaters of
Today Are Following the Path I Blazed," and "Top 10 Reasons Bob
Moir of the CBC Should Be Taken Out and Summarily Shot." No skaters
like to be guests on this program because they know that all they
will hear is how much better they would look if they just dressed
in black and tried skating to Prokofiev's "Cinderella."
- Holiday specials. Plenty of those to go around. Also, at
midnight on Christmas Eve, the Skating Channel would go to 'round-
the-clock videos of skaters performing to Christmas music. (How
many versions of "Ave Maria" can *you* stand??)
- TV ads with famous skaters loudly declaring "I want my Skating
Channel!" Each in their own native language!
From: email@example.com (Lynn Loschin)
Maybe some game shows too
- Name that Tune- what music are they skating to in that clip?
- Jeopardy - more pointless trivia than anyone could hope to know.
- The Price is Right - if you guess how much that costume costs without
going over, you win a BRAND NEW CAR!!!!
- Wheel of Fortune - guess skating phrases, like "Right Back Outside
Edge" and "Triple Flutz". Any nominees for who should get Vanna's part?
- Hollywood Squares with skaters. Make sure Oksana G. and Maia U. are at
opposite ends of the square. Dick Button as your cordial host.
- Family Feud with skaters by country. Tonight, its the Russians and the
Canadians! Top 100 people surveyed....what's the most annoying moment in
Olympic Skating history?
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Louis Epstein)
Don't forget the talent shows,a la Screen Test and Gong Show...audience
members get to take the ice and be marked by guest judges...
From: loosemore-sandra@CS.Yale.Edu (Sandra Loosemore)
How about a version of "The Dating Game" for pair skaters to choose
new partners? It might go something like this....
Lance: Bachelorette #1, if you were having trouble with your double
axel in practice, how would that affect you in competition?
#1: I *never* have problems with my double axel. Just don't ask me to
do a triple salchow.
Lance: Hmmm. How about you, #2?
#2: I never have problems with it, either. It was that lousy
ex-partner of mine who could never land his.
#3: It wouldn't matter. I'd just arrange for the competition to be
From: various people
Well at least the soap opera writers on the skating channel would have
an easy job -- some of the dance teams and pairs have had more partners
than Erica on "All My Children" has had husbands!!!!
"But, what if she comes out of her coma and remembers how
her blade got unscrewed -- we'll never get out of regionals
if you have to go to jail!"
What if they find out that Gwendolyn let her identical twin sister take
her senior freeskating test in her place?
What if rivals Marissa and Tiffany arrive at the Nationals with
identical skating dresses? Which one will have to find another dress to
That depends on whether Chloe, the dress designer, can be able to
conceal her affair with Anton, Marissa's choreographer, from his wife,
Tiffany's coach, long enough to find the spare she made with the
sequins she stole from Gwendolyn's mother...
But if Chloe is caught with the stolen sequins, her career as an elite
skate-dress designer will be ruined. She must decide which is more
important: her career or her affair with Anton. And Anton must decide
which is more important to him: his affair with the rich, talented
Chloe or his marriage to Clarise, Tiffany's coach, the woman who fell in
love with his strong, handsome face and saved him when he was an
unemployed, starving choreographer. But nothing could be as strong or
as gut-wrentching as the rivalry that exists between Marissa and
Tiffany. With fire buring in each of them, each refuse to give in and
change dresses. Little do they know that Gloria, a sweet, innocent,
naive unknown, has a program with the grace and power to rise above
anything that Marissa and Tiffany could every do. Once Gloria skated,
no one would even notice Marissa and Tiffany . . .
And this would give Tiffany the opportunity she has wanted to murder Gerard,
the skate-sharpener, who has been blackmailing her over the pictures he took
of her in bed with Jedidiah, the judge whose suspiciously generous marks sent
her to Nationals in the first place despite Marissa having dropped bubblegum
in her skates so she two-footed half her jumps...
With Gerard out of the way, Tiffany thought she could continue her
affair in secret with Jedidiah. Little did she know, however, that
Mona, a judge with the hots for Jedidiah, planned to make a fool of
Tiffany and hopefully ruin her career. With the help of Marissa, Mona
snips some threads inside Tiffany's skating costumes. Each costume will
unravel whenever Tiffany performs her layback spin . . .
To be continued???
This is great, folks, but it needs a title.
- As the Blade Spins?
- All My 3 Turns?
- One Axel to Land?
- General Iceland?
From: email@example.com (sita ismangil)
Here are some more ideas for the Skating Channel:
- Live with Underhill & Martini"--The no sleaze daytime talk show, with
skating world's answer to Regis & Kathie Lee.
- "Crossfire" with Dick Button and Sandra Bezic.
- "Style with Peggy Fleming"--Peggy shows us the recent trend in ladies
figure skating dresses and costumes, with Toller Cranston as special
- "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues on Ice", starring Elvis Stojko. After
losing the Gold Medal in Lillehammer, Elvis embarks on a journey and
searches for justice in figure skating judging, helping others who have also
been "robbed" in various competitions.
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